Last night I was invited to a blogger event sponsored by Staples on the subject of security. I try never to pass up events that serve free booze, especially when: 1) they are held in a chic hotel, 2) they feature a "celebrity" speaker, and 3) the Bitch Bus is in effect.
So we arrive at the Staples event, which I thought was going to be about internet security, but it was mostly about shredders and identity theft. Was the information useful? Yeah, I guess. But really, who heard a word that was spoken when these babies were unleashed:
I know it's hard to see in this picture, but I'm talking about "The Gun Show."
There are three things you need to know about Wild Bill Stanton:
1. He's from the Bronx.
2. He refers to women as "honey," "baby," and "girls." (...which is excellent when want you to get absolutely sloshed by drinking every time he says something misogynistic. For the record, Bad Kitty and I refilled our wine glasses 3 or was it 4 times?)
And that's about it.
Couple other things you need to know about security (personal or otherwise) according to Wild Bill:
1. Make sure people can't "hack onto" your computer.
2. During a storm is the best time to break into houses since that's when all the burglar alarms go haywire.
3. Be sure to carry "Scooby Snacks" for any guard dogs you may encounter during the above.
4. We are from the planet Earth, not from the planet Perfect.
Wild Bill also made it a point to say that racial profiling was "bad" even though he advises everyone to be wary of "black guys in hip-hop outfits." Yes, he went there. When he was called out on it by an audience member he replied, "Name one person who is successful that has a neck tattoo." To which I shouted out, "Um, Fitty!" (Who knows if he even has a neck tattoo but that's beside the point.) Wild Bill didn't really think that was funny. He also didn't laugh when Bad Kitty said she wanted Fitty to make her his ho. Yeah, we really classed up the joint. But you know, when in Rome...
I gotta give a shout out to the PR account execs who had to try and sell their client (Easy Buttons for everyone!) while being referred to as "baby" and "honey" by Wild Bill. You women deserve a raise. In fact, to whom do I need to write a letter, because I will gladly do it. Note to Wild Bill: Listen up, Sweet Cheeks: The "honey/baby" crap might fly in New Yawk, but it don't fly in San Francisco. You know why? We will blog your @ss.
All told, it really was a great time. I chatted with the lovely Helene Taylor (who is going to be so famous someday it's not even funny) and we bonded over crab cakes. And I really am going to get one of those fancy cross-cut shredders and I promise to learn not to toss credit card solicitations into the recycling without shredding them first.