CityMama™

If you are here because of Listen To Your Mother—Welcome!

I am so proud to be part of the Listen To Your Mother 2013 San Francisco cast. It's an honor to be able to share my writing in this way with so many women I admire, and I look forward to an amazing show.

I started CityMama 10 years ago to document the "urban mother" experience. Being a new mom in a big city came with challenges (like trying to haul a baby and a stroller and groceries onto the 22 bus) that I wasn't reading about in other parenting blogs at the time.

Over the years CityMama became many things—part love letter to my children, part documenting of the recipes that I cooked for them, part commentary on child-rearing in a media-intense world. This blog has been my rock over the last 10 years—a place to share my feelings and to find community.

The past two years have brought many changes to my life, and the CityMama chapter, in some ways, feels over. A new chapter has already begun and while I have felt it too precious to share (there are some thoughts and feelings that I do want to keep just for myself and my loved ones), lately I have been thinking about writing again. When and if I decide to do it, I will let you know. It won't be here.

In the meantime, welcome to CityMama. Take a look around. If you need pointing in the right direction, you can start with a few of my favorite posts:

My Most Important Job: Protector of Hearts, Souls, and Minds

Dancing But Not Letting Go Just Yet

The Right To Choose...What Your Kids Watch On TV

When I Was Your Age, We Played Outside And Our Parents Didn't Care What We Did, And We Liked It That Way

Holding On

Happy Reading,

Stefania

P.S. Buy your "Listen To Your Mother San Francisco" tickets here!

Regional Dialect Video Meme (How Do YOU Say It?)

This was fun to do!  Now you try!

Regional Dialect Video Meme 

Say these words: Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

Now answer these questions:

• What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?

• What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball?

• What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?

• What do you call gym shoes?

• What do you say to address a group of people?

• What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?

• What do you call your grandparents?

• What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?

• What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?

• What is the thing you change the TV channel with?

See also Miss Disgrace, Avitable, you?

If you participate please share your videos in the comments!

Facing my fear boundaries

I spent the later part of last week in beautiful, just...breathtakingly beautiful Park City, Utah at the Evo Conference.  Many (many) parts of that conference were amazing, but for me, the highlight was the closing keynote with Karen Walrond (idol) and Brené Brown (new idol).

I know I will write, write, and write some more about the themes they touched on during the keynote, but little did I know that just hours after they were done speaking, I would have to explore one of them: my fear boundary.

I have tried lots of things in my 40 years:

• Horseback riding, both English and Western
• Singing lessons
• Piano lessons
• Ballet lessons
• Photography classes
• Biking down a volcano
• Sailing lessons
• Korean and African dancing
• Filming and editing my own movies, pre-iMovie, pre-digital
• Still-life drawing
• Running through the streets of Rome, alone, at 7AM

To name a few.

I can:

• Do the splits
• Develop and print my own film
• Make a beef wellington from scratch
• Speak in public without getting nervous
• Run three miles without stopping
• Do the Electric Slide, the Cabbage Patch, and the Macarena
• Teach anyone how to drive a stick-shift
• Put on false eyelashes with a steady hand
• Paint any wall without masking, without making mistakes
• Sing an entire song in Hawaiian

I have tried and I can do all these things, but I don't like to do anything even remotely dare-devil-y. Oh, I know EXACTLY where my fear boundary lies.

I won't:

• Go on a rollercoaster
• Fly in a single-engine plane
• Snowboard down a mountain
• Scuba dive
• Bungee jump
• Walk through a haunted house
• Go on a water slide
• Parachute, hang-glide, or EVER (Karen!) ride in a hot air balloon
• Stand on those glass ledges that are really high up so it looks like you are standing on nothing
• Face the outside when I am riding in a glass elevator

I don't like heights. I don't like feeling like I'm not in control. Just the thought of doing any of those things terrifies me.

Which is why, last Saturday, after listening to Karen and Brené talk, when my friend Stephanie (who is from YONKERS, you don't get more city than that) suggested that we ride an open chair lift up to an elevation of 8,000+ feet and then luge down a mountain because "It'll be FUN!"

I said, "Okay."

And I am so glad I did.

I'd know

There is a group of moms that meets regularly at the park near our house. Even if I couldn't hear them talking, I'd know they were Korean.

I'd know because before they eat their snacks, someone pulls out a cheery table cloth and spreads it out over the picnic table or on the grass.

I'd know because next come the plastic containers full of fruit of every kind, cut into pieces easy for toddler hands to hold.

I'd know because along side the fruit are more containers and packages full of rice and toasted seaweed, potato chips, cookies, and cut-up veggies.

I'd know because in winter, I can smell the steaming cups of barley tea. In spring the tea is cold.

I'd know because some of the children don patterned bibs before eating.

I'd know because of the way they scoop their children snug into their laps and pass them snacks before ever eating anything themselves.

I'd know because of the way they sit in a circle facing each other, talking and laughing.

I'd know because everyone—mother and child—wears a wide-brimmed sun hat.

I don't speak Korean and I don't necessarily look Korean and I never even visited Korea until I was a married adult, but they are part of me and I am part of them.

And I'd just know.

photo: George Goes Korean

Social media, women, community, and fitness (Yes, you CAN Tweet your way to a smaller ass)

Recently, Holly Buchanan wrote an excellent commentary reminding marketers that men trust "authority," but women trust "common experience." Men value "credibility" and women value "connections." I've been thinking about this a lot lately not just because it's my job, but because it really hits home on a personal level.

I am one of those women who values common experience and connections. I am a serial researcher, constantly polling my online and IRL networks for their opinions on everything from the best cell phone to best running socks. If a trusted friend recommends a product or service, I will take a look and perhaps buy. If someone I don't know tells me what's good or what to buy, I'm instantly distrustful.

I have also always been one of those people who needed to exercise to lose and then maintain my weight. Having kids threw a huge wrench in to my former, pre-kid, 4-5-times-per-week fitness schedule, and it took me seven years to figure out how to work it back into my daily life. (Or maybe it took me seven years to not be tired enough to workout for an hour.)

Last fall, I made a huge lifestyle change. I started using C25K to help me reach my goal of running a 5K.  Then a few months later, I joined Weight Watchers. My husband was my biggest motivator (and cheerleader) because he started working out and went paleo and the pounds vanished. He looks amazing.

Now, if he had told me that I needed to lose weight, the rebel in me probably would have shrugged it off. (There's that whole "authority" thing...) Not to mention the fact that I would have felt hurt, frustrated, and just plain mad at myself. But he didn't. Ever. He just started working on his personal health goals to great success and quietly led by example.

It just so happened that his "get healthy" kick coincided with a noisy and powerful fitness revolution that was playing out in social media. It seemed like finally social networking and mobile tools were available to track workouts and Twitter and Facebook provided the venues whereby folks could tell all their friends about it. And, to Buchanan's point, the friends I saw talking about it were almost all women.

Why I ditched my iPhone and AT&T and got a Blackberry

For almost two years now, I've had my iPhone 3G. Before that, I had a Blackberry Curve which I loved. It was compact and light and allowed me to do the two things I most needed to do to be productive:

1. Make calls.
2. Respond to emails in a timely fashion.

I was happy as a clam.  Then I got the iPhone and, not so much with the happy anymore.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THEIR ADS SAY—AT&T SUCKS

Raise your hand if you have an iPhone and have suffered dropped calls.

(Wow, that's a lot of you!)

For two years now, I've suffered through dropped calls (multiple times a day) and failed calls when I tried to call those dropped people back.

I've even not answered calls, because I knew I was in a place where the coverage was bad. Like inside my house.

I learned to text--not call people--if I needed to communicate.

I've had to deal with lack of coverage in puzzling places, like, literally right in front of Steve Jobs' house. (I'm serious, he lives in Palo Alto and I went to an event at someone's house who lives next door and I parked in front of his house and had zero bars. Can't he do something about it? Shoot, Cheney built his own cell tower out in the Wyoming brush. Not that Jobs is Cheney, but they are similarly robotic now. Can't he put up some towers in the heart of Silicon Valley? )

And worse—this is the clincher—I've put off responding to emails because it was easier to wait until I got back to my home office rather than hen-peck out my response on the touch keyboard. If I can't respond on the go, what is the point of having a "smart" phone?

Why do we put up with this nonsense? I've been on the phone with AT&T many times over the past two years complaining about the lack of coverage and dropped calls and have never been able to get a straight answer about what they are doing to fix the problem. I live in the heart of Silicon Valley, for cryin' out loud. There is no excuse for this.

I miss writing here

Everyday I scroll through the blogs in my feed reader and am so appreciative of the bloggers who I've been reading for what feels like forever who—despite having busy lives—still manage to post on a regular basis.

For that past year (and perhaps a little longer than that), I've been too busy to "use my words." I think I'm realizing that I'm pretty single-minded and dogged-as-hell when it comes to new stuff. I can tackle blogging or family life or starting a new company, but I'm finding that I can't do more than two simultaneous projects that require intense levels of brain occupation at the same time. I can work and raise a family, but the other stuff—writing, volunteering, spending time with friends—has somehow fallen into the "extraneous" category. I used to be the High Priestess of Multitasking, but now I find I am being forced to make some tough choices about how I spend my precious free time.

Because most of my focus and energy over the last year has been spent on CleverGirls Collective, most all of my spare time is devoted to my family (but I do make sure to reserve 45 minutes every morning for my runs).  My girls have had to share me when I am at home (working, holding conference calls from (9pm until midnight), had to endure my sporadic appearances as a classroom volunteer (because of meetings and other work commitments), and had fewer play dates this year than last because I'm out of town or too exhausted to turn on the sparkle for kids who are not my own.

Creating a family mission statement

Recently in my Parent Journey group at my Beloved Hippie Church™, we discussed creating a family mission statement (like companies do, although Guy Kawasaki prefers "mantra") to act as a framework not only to help shape and support expected behavior, but also to act as a reminder of our own "family values."

The discussion came at a perfect time because J. and I have really been struggling lately with how to get Bunny and Wallie to be better listeners—better family members—without have to constantly goad, remind, and yes, yell at them. We were really good at laying down the law (rules) and getting the girls to follow them when a big consequence was looming (like no Christmas presents, for example), but what was lacking was the WHY that made following the rules (listen, do their chores etc) something the girls wanted to do year-round.

Why was it important that the girls listen and communicate better or help the family a little more with age-appropriate chores? We wanted to be able to show that our job as parents wasn't to make their lives miserable, but to help them be the best girls they could possibly be.

Creating the family mission statement also helped to take the focus off of rules and chores (because that's just one part of being a productive member of a family), and put the spotlight back on what it means to be a Butler.  Did we just want to raise obedient, helpful automatons? No, we want to raise caring, sentient, confident, emotionally intelligent human beings. Hopefully, having a mission statement will help us along this path.

Power Mom-Mom Power!

Just a quick note to let you know that I was named one of Parents' Magazine's "Power Moms." Here's to cooking well in 2010!

My favorite posts of 2009

January—I could have chosen a post about our newly-minted (at the time) president, but instead, I'm sharing my thank you to Steve Jobs for making my life easier.

February—I am a Blogger, Marketer, and Mother.

March—In This Economy, Love Thy Neighbor. (This month was also one of my best months for food blogging. Spring is so inpsiring.)

April—Recession-proof Life: In Search of a Simpler Way To Live and Be (Why we downsized our life, why we don't regret the decision.)

May—The FTC Wants to Regulate Mommy Bloggers? Bring 'em On! (Also this month I shared the recipe for the amazing potato-mac salad and went to the annual antiques fair in Grants Pass, OR.)

June—We were about to move (and I started a company) so the posting is a little light.  Bunny finished first grade and I wrote about why we make the conscious decision to keep our kids media shy, especially when it comes to television.

July—I just can't pick a post for July.  I was at BlogHer, Cat and I went on our 40-Whatever Birthday roadtrip through the midwest.  I scored some Etsy finds and made some kick-ass pastas.  I'll just link the whole month.

August—How The Women Of Ford, An Assembly Plant, And A Guy Named Larry Changed My Life. (I think this is my favorite post of the whole year.)

September—I wrote about the glaring omission of a "family food/culinary parents who cook good food" track at the first BlogHer Food conference and heard from a lot of you "parents who love to cook" who agreed with me. Maybe next year, a food blogger who is a parent will be part of the advisory team and we can shine a light on those of us who consider ourselves to be expert home cooks who support local, organic farmers/initiatives and also have a family to feed.  As I said, feeding my family well--and teaching them about where their food comes from--is a political act.  Perfect topic for a values track, no?

October—After a rash of teen suicides in my community, I wrote a letter to kids who might be hurting.

November—How about a recipe for a delish pasta sauce with one simple ingredient?

December—My babies are growing up, but I'm not letting go. Not just yet.

I hope you have a magical 2010!

Stefania