CityMama™

The Heroes In Our Midst [Listen To Your Mother San Francisco 2013]

Me, backstage with Yuliya Patsay and Lizz Porter.

Last night I had the honor of standing onstage alongside 13 other writers telling the audience about what life is really like for mothers who work. Polly called it "anthemic" and I think that is an apt description. Someone else said, "It's the piece we wish every husband could hear." So be it.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I don't blog much anymore (because, work), but last night, it was nice to be reminded that at one point in my life, I wrote every single day for almost a decade, and I did it here. Being a part of Listen To Your Mother has been inspirational in so many ways, but the biggest surprise for me has been how much it has reawakened my desire (burning hot!) to write, to create, to tell stories again. It's strange, but I really thought that that part of my life was over. At least for now. After having been a part of this process for the last two months, and spending time with these exceptionally talented women, it's now hard for me to fathom ever thinking that.

I am a writer. I write. Maybe not now, but the stories are inside of me, and I will get them out.

This is the piece I read last night. I hear that video is in the works and when I have it, I will share here.

The Heroes In Our Midst

To the mothers who work, especially the single mothers who work:

The ones who know that staying home with kids is work, too, but who choose to work outside the home because they need to (and, maybe, wish they didn't)

or they like to (and, maybe, wish they didn't).

The ones who would like to slow down. Just a little.

The ones who've taught their kids to do their own ponytails in the morning so they can have five extra minutes to shower (because they know it takes exactly five minutes to shower, dry off, lotion up, put on deodorant, and get dressed—if they don't have to wash their hair and can do their make-up in the car).

The ones who must schedule work meetings and phone calls right after school drop-off and hope they can make it in and out of school without having to chat anyone up.

The ones who would like to chat someone up at school drop-off sometimes.

The ones whose third babysitter quit yesterday.

The ones who take their kids to a daycare center and wonder if their baby is getting enough hugs.

The ones whose entire paycheck pays for the nanny.

The ones who forget to pump and send a wish out into the universe that their baby will take the formula, just this once, today.

The ones who do reviews or expense reports at 4:00 AM because that's when the house is quiet. Or because they can't sleep anyway.

The ones who struggle to keep the cell phone off the dinner table because they are expecting an important email—the one with that signed contract or the final approvals or the boss's feedback—and want to respond right away.

The ones who travel. Especially the ones who travel, who spend hours arranging childcare and creating after-school schedules and calling in playdate favors and prepacking lunches and washing clothes and making and freezing meals (even though you know they'll eat pizza every night anyway) and finding library books (a full time job in and of itself) who tell themselves they'll prepare for that conference or meeting on the plane. Who set alarms—no matter what time zone they are in—to remind themselves to text their spouses or babysitters to pick up the kids here or drop them off there.

The ones who, maybe once, didn't tell their child about a weekend birthday party so you could spend that time together.

The ones who would like to workout more, but can never find the time.

The ones who grocery shop at 10 o' clock at night so there will be yogurts and cold cuts for school lunches the next morning.

The ones whose children know exactly what they do for a living and can tell all their friends. (Which secretly makes them proud.)

The ones who could tell Sheryl Sandberg a thing or two about leaning in.

The ones who've taught the older child to pour the orange juice without spilling and help the younger child reach the cereal bowls.

The ones whose babies wake up to nurse at 2:00 AM, just as they are finally about to fall asleep.

The ones who, even though they are exhausted and up nursing at 2:00 AM, can still feel their hearts burst with love as the baby grips the front of their nightgowns and tries to pull them closer.

The ones who quietly kiss, cuddle, and play with that nursing baby, even though it's 2:00AM, and they know they shouldn't be keeping that baby awake, but they just can't help themselves because those moments are precious.

The ones who lie awake at night wondering if they are spending enough time with their kids. Their really, really great kids.

The ones who barely make it to the school performance (cursing the full school parking lot as they create a temporary parking space next to the Dumpster) and delight in their child’s smile when their searching eyes finally spot their mama standing in the back.

The ones who take baths with their kids sometimes so they can spend more time together (and so they won't have to shower in the morning).

The ones who bake together, even if it's a box of Trader Joe's truffle brownies, which are still pretty damn good.

The ones who worry that because they have children they have to work harder, longer, faster, and that they will still be held to a different standard than those who don't have children, even though having children—more than just about anything—teaches you to work more efficiently and cut through the bullshit.

To the ones who do all this, feel all of this, live through this, and still find the time to show up, to prioritize, to talk, to carpool, to cook, to cuddle, to succeed at work or fail—

I see you try.

I feel your exhaustion.

I know your sleeplessness, your worry, your guilt.

But I also know your caring, your tenderness, your understanding, your integrity, your heart that is open to possibility, your love that knows no bounds.

Yes, we work, but first, we are mothers.

And you are my heroes.

 

What's with all the brown rice and whole grain pasta?

You may have noticed a slight change in my menu planning since the first of the year.  Whereas I had always tried to cook local, fresh, healthy meals, I have now bumped that up about 10 notches because, well, I want to lose weight and get healthier. I did the New Years' Resolution cliché thing, and on January 1, I joined Weight Watchers. First online because meetings are scary, and then after a few weeks, I started going to meetings.

Having tried every diet in the book, I was skeptical. The thought of writing down (I use the online tool) and counting points for everything I put into my mouth was daunting. As someone who loves food, cooking, and eating, I thought that eating would become joyless. Pedestrian. The very opposite of the Like Water For Chocolate vibe I tried to cultivate in my kitchen. I never wanted to be one of those "food is fuel" people.

And then I lost 15 pounds.

And, with the support of the weekly meetings (which are not scary at all), and their A.MA. ZING iPhone app*, I realized it wasn't so hard.

I'm learning that I don't have to change what I am eating so much. I've swapped out the chicken thighs I love so much with chicken breasts and it's okay.  We eat leaner grass-fed sirloin or tenderloin instead of the (let's be honest) far more delicious rib-eyes. We've completely switched over to brown rices like jasmine and basmati and whole wheat pasta (which I am learning to like.)

But the other things, the fact that I love vegetables, salad, and high-fiber foods; have always preferred salt-free whole grain breads; am not a dessert or junk-food person—those things make it easier. That, and the fact that I am now running 2-3 miles four to five times a week and just trying to be more active in general. It's hard when you work and are a parent, but I am making it a priority now.

While the initial getting up to speed was a little challenging (there is a learning curve with the points and some of the jargon which is why I find the meetings immensely helpful), I have found that my meals are still delicious, cooking is still fun, and my family doesn't really notice the difference.

I promise not to turn CityMama into a diet blog, because I am not about that. I am about sensible eating and being healthy and trying to set that example for my family. What trickles over, trickles over, and if it helps you, too, then that makes me feel good, but I'm doing this for me and my girls.

And it's working.

*Seriously, if there were Academy Awards of iPhone apps, this one would win the "Best Picture" Oscar. It's that fabulous.

This is not a review nor was I compensated in any way shape or form by Weight Watchers to write this. This is simply me, sharing how my life is changing for the better. (And, damn if it doesn't chap my hide that I feel I have to write these "disclaimers" on a non-review.)

CityMama--now on your iPhone!

Introducing the new CityMama iPhone app created by MotherApp (as in "mother of all..." not "moms.") Now you can read CityMama easily from your iPhone while you are waiting in the carpool line or at the dentist's office! Get recipes and more on the go! So fun!

You can download it here.  It's FREE!

First week in the new digs update! [and some meal planning]

Phew! We made it!

We moved into our new place on July 1 and now, instead of there being barricades of boxes and bins everywhere, we have actual pathways through the apartment. In typical Butler fashion, we've encountered small glitches at every turn: I have way too many kitchen gadgets and not enough drawers. Curtains are hung, but the rods aren't right. Our bookcase extravaganza is up but J. nailed some of the shelves on backwards (fixed now), and the special bracket that creates the corner combination unit is out of stock at IKEA until the twelfth of probably never. So the shelves aren't quite aligned but, hey, that hasn't stopped me from loading them up with books.

We're still getting to know the lay of the land. The new crib is a spacious garden apartment that is slightly smaller than our previous house. It has more usable patio space, bigger bedrooms, a bigger garden, its own entrance, and has central heat and AC. (Score!) It also has a pool which we have been visiting everyday. It is a six minute walk to the heart of downtown, and since we spend lots of time there, especially on Friday nights, we wanted to be within walking distance. We are city folk through-and-through.

The downside is that I lose the room that was my office, but I'm getting creative about that by seeking out a cool coworking space. And we're making up for not having an extra bathroom by getting cable and HBO. Yes, our no cable experiment lasted about a year and half and it was great, especially for the girls. But, truth be told, I really miss my HBO shows, so if I have to wait my turn to use the can, at least I can be watching True Blood or Bill Maher.

From the coconut wireless to you—Alltop.com has all your stories covered

Screenshot of alltop.com.

People born in Hawaii, we've got a network thing going on, so when Hawaii's-own Guy Kawasaki  dropped me a line to say that he had launched his new service, I hopped over to take a look, and I liked.

Last year, Kawasaki caused a buzz in the mom blog world (and the tech world for reasons that will soon become clear) by publishing his ultimate list of mom blog must-reads on his personal blog. CityMama and Kimchi Mamas (the culture and identity blog I founded) were included in his original list and we are in very good company. Since then, the mom blog list has migrated over to his new service, Alltop.com (beta). And not only that, Alltop.com aggregates "all the top stories...all the time." (Want to know more? Click this highlighted text.)

If you are interested in celeb gossip or politics (where MOMocrats.com, the political blog I co-founded is listed along with the Huffington Post and the Daily Kos among others) or gaming or fashion or geeky stuff, the top posts in lots of different genres are covered all in one place, without you having to load anything into a feed reader. I bet your favorites are already there.  It's like heaven for media junkies like me. Check it out!

A new CityMama is born

Now that we've got our soft launch behind us and the kinks worked out, I'd like to "formally" welcome everyone to the new me. Pull up a chair and sit, why don't you?

The decision to fold Family Food, my food blog, into CityMama was about a year in the making. Actually, maybe even a little longer than that. I've been seriously blogging since 2004, and somewhere along the way, I decided that the focus would be less on my kids and more about my life in general.

When you have one child, it's easy to focus are your blogging time and attention on that one child. They are the center of your world, the stars of the show. Their photos plaster your blog. They are so cute, how can you resist sharing that cuteness with the world? When you have two or more children, you suddenly think about devoting equal time to each, and being fair. At least I did. And I knew that I probably never be no matter how hard I tried. That realization combined with an effort by me to reclaim a shred or two of privacy in my life led me to the decision to focus less on my girls and more on our world.

I will miss seeing my sweetpeas in the banner at the top of my blog. Their photo made me smile and made my heart swell with pride every day. And I admit having a twinge of "buyers remorse" not seeing them there anymore. They are still here, though in the background, as I strive to present a fuller, more rounded (no pun intended) picture of our world.

Our world includes many things: the usual packing of lunches and school runs, the carting to and fro from gymnastics to soccer to birthday parties. But it is also informed by me: a 38-year-old woman who unabashedly loves pop culture, who is a serious media junkie, who can be easily distracted from almost anything by the words, "Want to go to Target?," who loves to cook. Mostly who loves to cook. More than anything.

I considered shuttering CityMama completely and only focusing on Family Food, and about a year ago I almost did, but then I started question why my food blogging and "CityMama blogging" (for lack of a better term) needed to be separate. Both blogs seemed to serve different purposes, but in the end I decided that they both defined me. So why couldn't they be combined? The answer to that question for me is here, in the new CityMama. These are the stories of our lives, captured forever for Bunny and Wallie, combined with what I cooked along the way.

Thanks to Trish for inspiring the tagline: Always Cooking Something Up.  She's won the contest and will receive the prize consisting of "Random Crap PR People Send Me," although the package will be light since she lives in Australia!

Thanks also to Marlynn and Alain of Event Bliss for helping me to realize my vision. The biggest recommendation I can give them is that they worked with me—a fickle, indecisive, emotional, finicky, Libra—and managed to turn my eccentricities into a functional and beautiful site. (They also didn't bat an eyelash when I said, "Here's the deposit for your services, cash the check right away!") Yes, I know the script is hard to read for some, but I love it, and it's called "Jane Austen" so you have to love it, too!

So welcome to my new digs. I hope you'll stick around and keep the conversation going. There will always be a seat at the table—and a glass of your favorite libation and some nibbles—waiting for you here!

photo credit: CityMama

My blog is three years old today

Three years ago today I started this blog.

This is what I was writing about three years ago. Looking back, man I am proud of those posts. Those anecdotes were piling up inside my head and are the reason why I started a blog. I am so glad that I've had a place to write everything down because, even now, just three short years later, there is so much I've forgotten.

The thing I remember most about that time was how proud I was to be a mother. Not that I'm not now, but back then I had a beautiful and brilliant toddler and another beautiful and brilliant child on the way. Life seemed easy, and maybe it was the hormones, but love seemed to be spilling out of me from every pore. I couldn't love/hug/kiss Bunny enough. I couldn't stop photographing her every move. Her beautiful blue-green eyes. Her quick smile. I would look at her and tear up, so happy that such a splendid child was mine.

Over the past three years, my blogging has changed. The things I write about now run the gamut from pop culture to politics and may not focus so much on parenting anymore. It's the way I want it to be. I purposely don't share the kinds of stories I used to write because I realized that I wanted to save them for my own children to read first. I don't post pictures as much because my kids are older and I want to protect their privacy. Also, the climate of personal blogging has changed over the past three years, and as a result, I'm not interested in sharing every detail about my life and my children's lives anymore. (Not that I ever did before, but you know.) I've learned that those details are too precious to share. They are for me only.

For about six months (and intensively since the start of the new year) I've been thinking about how much this blog has evolved and whether I should keep it going in this format. I've become more interested in other things like food blogging, working on my cookbook idea, and thinking about doing a project (not a blog) that addresses cultural identity issues. I'm certainly busier with work (doing what I love most in the world), and now that Bunny and Wallie are older, they require a different kind of attention.  I've never felt like one of those bloggers that had to post daily or on a schedule. As it happens, most of the time it just turns out that way because I need a place to park and process my thoughts, but I could slow it down here... and probably will.

I've learned a lot over the past three years. For example:

• Blog your passion whatever it is.
• Mom bloggers are a powerful force. We are the influential "alpha moms"* that advertisers now covet. But let's not use that power to sell more vacuum cleaners, cereal, and face cream. We need to use our power wisely. Think of what we could accomplish if we did.
• Related to the above: Don't do other people's marketing for free and don't ever sell yourself short.
• I know more than I ever wanted to know about HTML.
• I don't ever want to write a book.* I love the immediacy of this medium. I am a blogger with no other aspirations except to blog. It's enough for me.
• My back is messed up and I may have carpal tunnel syndrome.

To all of you reading I'd just like to say, thanks for reading. Thanks for your beautiful emails over the years. I've received some amazing, "restore-your-faith-in-humanity-type" emails from people I've never met during these three years.

Thanks for your thoughtful and often hilarious comments that let me know I'm not alone (...in my hatred of the Beatles, yellow mustard, and pizza.). By the way, I do try to email you back if you comment, but I have probably missed a few of you over the years. For that, I apologize.

I haven't quite decided how CityMama will morph into the next thing. I'm thinking I'll wake up one morning and know what the right thing to do is. I make a lot of decisions that way. Until that moment, I hope you will keep stopping by.

Thanks for reading CityMama,

Stefania

*PS "Alpha" doesn't mean "superior."

*But I love anthologies. :-)

Why Wallie hates the lion costume

Who knew my friend Bad Kitty would have photographic evidence of three-month-old Wallie being awakened by her older sister wearing same, said costume?

Shoot. I'd be scared shitless, too.

Can't you just hear the therapy session now?  "...and then my mother dressed me in the same terrifying costume that had been giving me nightmares for two solid years...How can a mother be so cruel?!"

Happy Halloween everyone!

I've been "Mommy Blogged!!!"

Just thought I'd let you know that I'm featured on the Mommy Bloggers site this week. An interview is up as well.

In case you are not familiar with the Mommy Bloggers, the blog was started by three fabulous bloggers in their own right as a way to promote "mommies" who blog.  In their own words:

Mommybloggers is not about linking to other news sites or product promotions. Our goal is to entertain our readers with personal stories from other moms as well as to introduce our readers to these women in a more personal, intimate way that they may not have seen before. Our featured mommybloggers are wonderful moms and writers from a wide variety of backgrounds.

Mommybloggers does not intend to create a flawless polished image of what a perfect mother looks like. Many mothers, for fear of seeming like bad mothers, hesitate to share their disasters, mishaps and insecurities. We will not perpetuate judgements about what is and what is not good mothering. We want to share humor, insights, fears, joys and frustrations through our stories-- your stories-- as we learn more about the power of mommyblogging.

However you feel about the term "mommy blogger" (doesn't bother me), you can't deny that these women are doing good work.  I support anyone who lifts women up and I thank them for featuring me.

 

THANK YOU, GUY KAWASAKI

Guy Kawasaki gave me (and the Kimchi Mamas) a shout-out on his blog yesterday. Yay!  Possibly my favorite quote ever:

Note: There is a contingent of readers of my blog who do not like when I write about blogs/blogging/bloggers. I’d guess there’s also a contingent who do not like when I write about non-business, non-tech, non-male subjects. To these readers, I say in advance: “You can never support a mom, much less a mommy blogger, too much, so deal with it.”

J. and I actually own every book he's ever written (one autographed by Guy personally at a MacWorld in the early 90's...).

When I was fresh out of college and just starting my career bouncing around various Silicon Valley companies (including Cisco and Silicon Graphics), Guy Kawasaki was someone I revered. Firstly, because he was born in Hawaii (like I was) and people from Hawaii love to see other people from Hawaii doing well. Secondly, because back then he was an "Evangelist" for Apple. 

As a totally green 21-year-old "Order Administration Specialist II," I had no idea that someone could even have a job title like that. He got paid to talk about how Macs kick-ass. And I thought that ruled.

I think realizing that you could create your job and shape your own destiny like that was a big part of why my goal has always been to do what I love and work on my own terms. It took 13 years to achieve it, but who's counting.

When I made enough money to buy my own computer, I bought a Mac and have been using them ever since.  He's the reason.

Thanks for the shout-out, Guy!